The Mercedes-AMG GL63 is Absolutely Useless

"DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!" (daft-ryosuke) 01/15/2019 at 11:11 • Filed to: None

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Absurdity. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines it as the quality or state of being wildly unreasonable. To say that word defines the 2016 Mercedes-Benz GL63 AMG would be harsh, but I believe that is the only word that makes sense in its twin-Turbo V8 context.

Now you may be wondering “Surely you jest, DaftRyosuke, the Mercedes GL is not useless at all!” and you’d be correct, it isn’t. For about 15 years now, the GL has been a strong contender in Mercedes’ lineup, taking the world by storm with its large size, ample comfort, and huge amount of space for the budding trust fund family. But this is no standard GL550, this is a whole beast of a different style. This one is completely different...and yet, not different at all.

I have driven standard GLs and I’ll tell you, they’re nothing special in any area. They’re very comfortable, the interior is covered with acres of leather and wood, and they’ll get you and your family where you need to go very competently (when they work right). If an Escalade is not ostentatious enough for you, this is what you buy. So, it’s natural that Mercedes would want to inject some sportiness into it (as they do all things) by giving it an AMG branding and a high performance engine.

The AMG package, in itself, is rather simple. You take a GL550, rip out its innards, and you replace it with a 577 bhp 5.5L twin-turbocharged engine. The suspension is slightly tweaked, and you stamp some AMG badges here and there. Done. You now have an SUV that once stickered at $92k shoot up to $112k. So, does that 20 grand in extra fees really add up to anything over the base model?

Well, from the outside, your first answer might be yes. The package gives the GL a large, snarling front bumper treatment, with large and loud grille openings and a lowered air dam with added front splitter. Aluminum running boards flank the sides, mated to monstrous 21 inch alloy wheels that hide the bodacious bright red brake calipers. It’s not subtle, in fact, “subtlety ” is hardly ever in Mercedes’ dictionary.

Around back, the grilles continue, with rear faux air ducts to match the front’s. The hidden exhaust of the stock model is replaced with polished aluminum tipped quad pipes that emit a burly, yet handsome noise, not unlike a properly tuned muscle car. The overall package is gaudy, but it works into letting folks know that what you’re piloting is no mere GL350 4Matic.

The inside, however, is the greatest upgrade over the standard model for me. I’ve never been a huge fan of Mercedes’ interior material choices on their SUV lineup, but the AMG really brings forth a classic Benz sense of quality and build. Every switch and lever feels solid and with purpose, the leather is supple, yet firm, and there are hardly any creaks and rattles. You could take away those AMG badges that are stamped in the seats, and I’d be hard pressed to guess this wasn’t a Maybach GLS (those are still a thing, right).

I suppose if looks and general flexing in the Whole Foods parking lot are your thing, then the GL63 has already made up its $112k price tag, and then some. But some of us around here buy cars based on how they drive, and if you’re one of those, you might just want to put down your checkbooks for just one second.

Like most other exciting cars I get to drive, I was pretty stoked when I was handed the keys to this monster of an SUV. But my excitement soon dwindled as I got onto the road and found it to be rather...civilized?

Okay, yes, this being an AMG, when you’re in a straight and you stomp on the pedal, it goes. And it goes, and goes, and goes until you get tired of going, and it still has about 30 more miles of “goes” left in it. The 577 bhp is truly doing the lords work here (I can’t even imagine what a Trackhawk is like), but that’s the only real party trick that the AMG brings to the performance department. The rest of the driving experience is kind of mundane, and taking away all of that pomp and circumstances surrounding those three letters, could easily just be mistaken for a well-equipped GL550.

Yes, it features a 7-speed AMG semi-automatic transmission, yes it features massive dinnerplate brakes, and yes, it features a super high-tech air suspension that lowers itself at high speeds, but that’s really all just gimmicks in the grand scheme of things. In reality, the GL63 mostly carries itself just like every other GL; it wallows in tight corners, it smooths out bumps, and just feels like your bog standard full-size SUV. Even in SPORT+, I could feel little difference between it and its non-AMG counterpart, leaving me to have to double check that this was indeed a true GL63 and not just a Sport Package model.

If you would say that I was disappointed, that would be an understatement.

Frankly, I wanted the GL63 to be more than it was. I wanted it to take me by the shoulders and shake me until my brain poured out like soft serve, but I think I got the wrong AMG for that job. If the break neck speeds and the tarted up interior are enough for you, then that’s fine...write your check to your heart’s expense. But for me, I think I might take my business elsewhere. The GL63 talks a lot of talk and it tries to walk, but it just can’t make that final step competently enough.

Nibby > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:12

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just buy a fucking 1994 suburban instead

ihm96 > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:15

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Drive the GLS version, the suspension is much better imo, and the 4.0 is a better engine. I’ve driven both, and the first time I drove a GLS63 was the first time I ever really enjoyed driving an SUV haha. That thing handles insanely well for its size and it feels like a car. The GLS450 too in general feels much better handling wise over a GL.

Where would you take your business elsewhere that has 7 seats and handles better?

WilliamsSW > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:15

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You’re right- the G63 is a far more practical machine

  > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:18

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RIP the 5.5L AMGs

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:19

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So. ..perfect for a Kardashian

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:19

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It’s all about spending more than the other guy and being able to block some middle-class scum that has the audacity to attempt to  pass you when you’re too busy on the phone to notice that you’re doing 10 under in fast lane.

For Sweden > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:23

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All German SUVs are dumb

Change my mind

fintail > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 11:24

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G65 is the way to go.

WilliamsSW > ihm96 01/15/2019 at 11:25

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There’s a difference between the GL and the GLS?

Spanfeller is a twat > For Sweden 01/15/2019 at 11:26

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As far as Oppo is concerned, all SUVs are dumb except the Land Cruiser

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > For Sweden 01/15/2019 at 11:29

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFUqinuu9xM

For Sweden > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 01/15/2019 at 11:30

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This isn’t changing my mind

For Sweden > Spanfeller is a twat 01/15/2019 at 11:30

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Where is the lie

ihm96 > WilliamsSW 01/15/2019 at 11:59

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Yeah, when the facelift happened it wasn’t only exterior changes, but they also put in a better more responsive transmission, better damping system, and a vastly improved air suspension.

Also, the 4.0 biturbo in the new AMGs is so much better than the old 4.7 biturbo. I’ve driven tons of AMGs from the past 5 or so model years and the difference is astonishing between the two engines. Clarkson is right in his love for the 4.0 biturbo

DipodomysDeserti > For Sweden 01/15/2019 at 12:00

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DipodomysDeserti > Spanfeller is a twat 01/15/2019 at 12:00

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And yellow Joops.

ihm96 > WilliamsSW 01/15/2019 at 12:01

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https://media.mbusa.com/releases/the-new-mercedes-benz-gls

Looks like every engine got more powerful as well

Chariotoflove > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 12:19

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Counterpoint: no l arge SUV is a performance car, and no SUV should have an AMG badge .

WilliamsSW > ihm96 01/15/2019 at 12:21

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Hmmm, I’ll have to check out the new 4. 0 one of these days. I love the 4. 7TT in my non AMG, and like the old 5. 5 AMG engine too.

The transmission improvements were needed, too- the previous 7 speed feel s pretty old school.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 12:25

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But did you notice that the rear seats don't adjust?

DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 01/15/2019 at 12:43

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What portion does not adjust on them?

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/15/2019 at 12:47

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They can't slide forward/back to adjust for legroom in the 3rd row if equipped or large objects with rear passenger room still needed. 

DLu > For Sweden 01/15/2019 at 12:56

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What doesn’t count as an “ SUV” anymore, these days?

ihm96 > WilliamsSW 01/15/2019 at 15:18

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The 9 speed definitely makes a huge difference and I love all the benz V8s to be honest. E550s like yours are very unsuspecting

WilliamsSW > ihm96 01/15/2019 at 15:22

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The one car I’ve driven with the 9 speed is the E300. Very different character, obviously, but I did love the transmission in it.

One of the things I like about the E550 is the fact that it’s invisible.

Built BMW Tough > For Sweden 01/15/2019 at 16:17

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Have you driven a Cayenne? They're fantastic! 

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/16/2019 at 00:22

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I mean...it’s an AMG, but it’s still a massive 3 row SUV. It was never going to be hardcore. I didn’t realize anybody expected it to be anything more than a louder, faster, more powerful GL.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. 01/16/2019 at 00:24

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It’s all about spending more than the other guy and being able to block some middle-class scum that has the audacity to attempt to pass you when you’re too busy on the phone to notice that you’re doing 10 under in fast lane.

I’ve actually done this before, specifically I was riding shotgun was in an X5M when some kid in a BRZ tried to beat us off the line at a light to get in front where the road merged down to 1 lane. Boy was he in for a shock.

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > For Sweden 01/16/2019 at 17:41

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Audi A6 Allroad

For Sweden > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 01/16/2019 at 17:44

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did I stutter

duurtlang > DaftRyosuke - So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! 01/18/2019 at 02:29

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The GL as a whole is a car you don’t really see here in Germany. It’s a car with none of the style or class of an S or even E Wagon, yet it offers minivan functionality (and looks)  few shopping in this price class need.

As an AMG it makes you look like a successful drugs dealer who doesn’t understand how a condom works. Not the best of looks...